I Do Not Want To Believe
by LetsBeMoreThan-This
Summary: ONESHOT! After L's death, Light is struggling. Through lack of leads? Or lack of a friend, someone he could trust? Someone he wished he could be open with? Someone like... The friend he just killed? LxLight no lemons.


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Everything went to plan. By using the Shinigami (Death God), Light was able to kill L, the only one in his way to become the ultimate... 'Justice Machine' if you will. So surely Light should be out putting the world right, not sat in his office staring at pieces of paper. Surely he's not regretting his decision? Light x L(No likey no read!)(Is clean. No lemons)(OOC-ness because of change in plot, and my bad writing.)

This is my first EVER

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It was raining outside. Light could hear the pitter-patter of the raindrops on the window and the occasional rumble of thunder. The office was dark apart from the glow of the many computer screens against one wall, and Light's desk lamp, its steady beam fixed on a small photograph. _It was never meant to be like this_. Light Yagami's bright eyes shone through the darkness as he looked at the photo, a small smile on his face. _You were always going to win. You knew, didn't you? You knew I would. Is that why-_ His thoughts were cut short, the sound of an opening door behind him. Light didn't turn to look, as he wouldn't have seen anything if he had. A voice he knew well spoke into the darkness.

"Are you coming home?" The voice was trying to be firm, but became uncertain, worried perhaps. His tone suggested he already knew the answer to the question, but the was some glimmer of hope in his heart that his son would return home, drop his papers, drop the case even, and come home to his family. He hadn't seen his mother or sister in days, just sat at his desk, working away, trying even harder to catch Kira now that L was gone. He sighed. Yagami wanted to talk, he didn't want his son to go through the whole ordeal himself. But just like his father, Light was not one for sharing. "Your sister wants to see you" Yagami hoped the bribe would work. Light had always tried to look out for his sister. He was proud of him for that. "She misses you"

"Tell her I'll take her to the gallery once the case is over. Tell her there will be ice cream" Light didn't look up from the photograph. Still the raindrops echoed in his head, his words barely audible over the crashing of the droplets against the pane. "Tell her I'll get him. It'll be over soon" He slowly put his hand on the small picture, placing it inside a nearby book and shutting it carefully. Light stood, turning to Yagami with sad eyes. "I need to get him. I _will_ get him. Just give me time."

Yagami tried to protest, but his nature would not allow it. Something in the back of his mind wanted the boy to solve the case. He was obviously upset by Ryuuzaki's sudden heart failure, and maybe that's what was needed to solve the case. That passion that Ryuuzaki had passed to his son. "Don't work too hard. The front door will be unlocked till one" He offered his son a smile, but Light simply nodded and turned away, going back to sit in his swivel chair. Quietly and carefully Yagami left the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

Light went back to his desk, pulling his knees up to his chest, and opening the book before him. Across the top of the first page was scribbled 'I believe that Light Yagami is in fact Kira. At this point in time I am sure'. A few different percentages were written in and scribbled out then written again in a mixture of biro ink and pencil. Light laughed quietly, remembering their endless chess games and tennis matches, where, either L would come back thinking Light was definitely Kira, or come back more confused than ever about the situation. Light always got the feeling, either way, and although L wanted to solve the case, he never actually _wanted_ to find Light guilty. That's what the book was about. He never _wanted_ Light to be Kira. After all, why would he want to lose the one of the only people who understood him?

Light's laughter stopped as he flicked through a set of photos that had been stuffed inside the front cover. They seemed to be screenshots from the security cameras around the office and nearby rooms, and all pictured L and Light. In the darker photos, you couldn't tell which boy was which, the same glint in their eyes, the same concentration while working, never to be broken. There were photos of them working together, each one on their own desk, either watching a screen or scribbling notes, photos of them sat together, eating, playing chess, side by side or otherwise. Light did give a 'hmm' at a photo of them outside school, side by side, but the smile was no where to be found on his face. He'd had no idea any of these photos had been taken, or that there was any video of these events. He turned the school photo over, revealing six words. '_I Do Not Want To Believe'_. Light shook his head. _Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you say?_

He pushed the photographs to one side, his eyes prickling. He flipped through the book, and laughed at some of the scribbles in the book, barely legible. This was obviously the reason L had turned to computers. Light thought that the diary must have been a fake to start with, as surely L would have created some computer file to store all his thoughts. But then again, that would be typical L, and could easily be hacked. A handwritten diary was totally out of character, so it was well hidden already. _Always the clever one... _He'd found the diary under his pillow the night L had died. He hadn't gone home since. Light had hid it away from the world, trying to make sense of it. Trying to make sense of the whole thing. _Why didn't you tell me?_

He opened a certain page, and began reading, his heart shattering as each word met his eyes. The more he read, the more his eyes stung and he had to swallow to force the tears back. _Why the hell didn't you tell me??_ He pushed the book away, the photos sprawling across the floor. Crossing his arms on the desk and dropping his head, he let his tears soak the work papers underneath him. The pictures of them together flashed before his eyes, the laughs they had had around the office, some of the memories Light held dear, like the night in the rain. So similar to tonight yet… So different. He let out a loud sob, the tears forming small pools on the table. _If only you had told me you loved me, I would have said it back._


End file.
